Audio Survival in the Toddler Jungle

Thanks to my wife, Jill, for helping me to make my site a little more...well, me. She is a Godsend in so many ways I can't even list them.

I thought that I'd throw out another First 5 list in honor of the new face lift. This one is for all of us that on occasion, watch preschoolers. As you wander around your once clean living room that has just now seemed to spring out toy cars, blocks, and other things that are painful to step on, you might find yourself needing to slip away into the wonder that is TV. As you click on to Sportscenter, Monk, or Hogan's Heroes reruns, a cry will spring out for a certain show to be watched. You can try to ignore it, reason that you're the adult, but at some point, the TV will hit the areas you tried to avoid from the beginning.

I remember the first time it happened to me. I remember that I sat there, watching my TV get hijacked by my 3 year old and my 1.5 year old, I thought two things. First of all, even though I get to pay the bills, my kids blackmail me with bouts of whining, shrieking, and general 'let's screw with Daddy's TV watching experience. So, I began to figure out that these kids, with the combined ages of less than six, have already begun to outsmart me. This leads me to believe that I should, as my grandfather once said, take my floppy hat and go over the hill.

Secondly, some of these shows aren't bad. There is some entertainment value in their somewhere...but, you must be vigilant. Because you might find yourself watching some hideously bad show. As a public service, First 5 will help you wade through the good, the bad, and the hideous.

So, here are First 5 okay watches for the hostage dad (or mom) and ones that will beat you down so bad you'll start drooling worse than your new born.

First 5 'Hey, These Aren't Bad' Parental Watching Preschool Shows.

5. Backyardigans. I love the plot line of how everything that happens, is imaginary in their backyard. I think it is cool that they can help teach the kids that imagination is a foundation to their happiness. Plus, the music isn't bad and is kind of catchy.

4. Handy Manny. 'My name is Pat. I'm a hammer.' Love it. Cracks me up. All the tools have a different personality. The stories are pretty interesing. Best Part....heaven help me, I like the hammer. He's like a concussed middle schooler.

3. Wonder Pets. Has a special place in my heart as it has helped calmed both of my girls at rather important times by just singing the chorus. If you pay attention, they throw out a little humor for the adults. It is three school house pets that save animals in need. Best part, Ming Ming will crack you up.

2. Spongebob Squarepants. Probably the least beneficial for the moral good of your kid. But, it is above average funny. I'll sometimes watch this on my own. If your bored, give it a shot. Best Part, Patrick. He is a starfish that is about as bright as night.

1. Veggie Tales. The whole package. Very good messages from a Christian viewpoint. But, also EXTREMELY funny. I will sometimes turn down the radio and listen to the kids' TV's in the back. Best part, silly songs by Larry.

First 5 'Please Kill Me Now, Shows' (I know all of these shows have a good message, but it still doesn't make me want to beat my head with a bat any less.)

5. Wiggles. I'm sure you have all heard of this show. The music isn't horrible, in fact some songs will stay with you all day ...just the whole concept annoys me. Most annoying? Captain Feathersword. He will tell everyone how good their dancing and generally has a big bag of nothing. But, cool game you can play with any other adult in the room. Which Wiggles is the most gay? At first I thought it was Jeff, but now after much (unfortunately) research, I think Murray edges him out.

4. Oswald. If the music doesn't put you to sleep, the action, voices, and pretty much everything else will. It is the story of a Octopus (I think voiced by Fred Savage) who lives by a penguin (who is voiced by Squiggy from Laverne and Shirley). Most annoying part of this show? That penguin calling Oswald ol' Pal, or ol' Buddy, or ol' Friend. Second most annoying thing? My oldest LOVES this show.

3. Max and Ruby-Unwatchable. Just a story of bunnies. No humor that I can detect...just...well....I fell asleep the first time within two minutes and almost caused an 'incident'. (Let's just say it involved the 1.5 year old and her climbing abilities.) Worst part? Can't really say, I couldnt stay with it long enough to develop an opinion.

2. Charlie and Lola-Unwatchable times three. Why in this day an age can they not get someone who can draw these cartoons digitally? Why am I back in the seventies with this cartoon? No humor, VERY ANNOYING accents. Since my kids can't read, we have successfully avoided this show. Worst Part, again, the accents. Their very bad British accents.

1. Barney. This show is so bad that you really have to find it now to watch it. For those of you not cursed with Barney memories, it is a show where dinosaurs help teach your toddler how to live. Just what I need, a purple T-Rex telling me and my children "I love you, you love me...". Most annoying part....Barney...everything he says, everything he does.

There it is. The shows you can kind of enjoy and the shows that you need to avoid. Good luck out there in the toddler jungle.


----Lane